WHY? The Taboo Word In Coaching!
As a coach, intrinsic or otherwise sometimes to get to the heart of the matter you just have to ask that age-old loaded question “why.” There are several different coaching styles that I have studied and they all say the same thing, “never ask a client why” as it puts the client on the defensive and of course shuts them down, effectively cutting communication, trust and new and forward thinking.
As a spiritual counselor, the word “why” was used, not frequently, but used none-the-less at points during a session. You can imagine during my training as a coach, and I freely admit that at first it was hard…very hard not to use and ask that three-letter word…WHY! Eventually I got it. I intellectualized it before I realized it and could integrate it into my world. And integrate I did!
Ironically, the thing I found the hardest to integrate into my coaching style is what keeps me inspired about coaching today. And that is not having to ask why, needing to ask why or wanting to know why. As you all know, from my perspective, why neither helps you as the coach or the coachee/client. Taking that three-letter word out of my vocabulary has changed me profoundly. It has changed how I practice as a holistic life coach and how I communicate. I am no longer burdened with my client’s emotional fallouts, which at times can be toxic. It has been freeing and liberating for me.
A funny thing happened last week regarding that three-letter word. I couldn’t tell you the last time I actually asked a client “why” during a session, because it leads to them to spiraling into their personal abyss, which is not where we want to go. Forward, never backward.
However, I recently found out that sometimes that three-letter word, “WHY” will give your client the answer needed to move them through their self-imposed block, enabling us to get back on track with forward momentum and creative thinking.
Over the last two months, I have been coaching a business man who is going through major changes. Loss of his mother, business, bankruptcy, moving home, kids moving from private education to public, etc. This is a story that is all too common. As you know if change occurs in one area of life, it will touch all other area too.
Each week at our prearranged time I would call. The first three weeks were fine. The fourth week he asked if he could call me back in 5 minutes as he was wrapping up another call. I said yes, but I informed him that our session would be 55 minutes. The fifth week it was 12 minutes late and the sixth week it was 26 minute late.
After the sixth week, I sent him an email thanking him for the giving me the opportunity to coach him and explained due to the continuous conflicts with his schedule, I would no longer be available to coach him. Much to my surprise, two weeks later I received a call from him requesting an appointment. My gut response was to ask why? And that’s what I did. I uttered those three little letters…taboo in coaching…WHY?
Now, I know that I could have asked him the question, “what are you wanting from our coaching relationship” or “what are you seeing for yourself and your coaching experience”…or any number of intrinsic ways. I chose that three-letter word, WHY! I didn’t need to know why he was unable to keep to our scheduled appointments. It was obvious, he had other priorities and being coached was not at the top of his list. I needed to know why he wanted coaching, so that I could be an effective coach for him. I needed him to know why he was doing this, so that he could be vested in his experience. He responded that it would help him to get to where he wants to be…and I went right into it asking, “What does where you want to be look like to you?”
The amazing thing is, I was not uncomfortable with asking the question “why” and I realized from this experience that being totally focused in the moment, allowed me to use the word, “WHY,” a word that typically shuts people down, now inspired him to access his immediate truth or need. It’s not something that I plan on using in my sessions, but I am no longer afraid to utter the three-letter word WHY when it’s needed!.