Before you can experience a loving, romantic and an intimate relationship, this applies to both physical, mental and emotional, you MUST be crystal clear on what you are wanting to experience for yourself within a relationship. Here are six key points that can support you in making all your relationships stronger.
Key point 1: It’s not about how you want your partner to show up in the relationship; it’s about how you choose to show up in the relationship. Your partner will always take his/her cue from you.
To find this information, you have to have an adult, loving, brutally honest, authentic conversation with self, so you can determine what you want for you and go for it rather than fly by the seat of your pants. You have to know what you want to experience for self within the relationship. Or conversely what you don’t want. Knowing what you don’t want tells you what you do. Your partner CAN’T know until you tell them. Don’t assume that your partner is psychic and that by giving them the cold shoulder that they understand what you are trying to communicate.
Guessing and assuming what each other wants for the relationship has lead to the demise of many a good relationship. That’s what happens when you don’t express with clarity and inner understanding of exactly what those needs are…the relationship suffers. In addition to the happily ever after that you may be aspiring to, there are some basics that you must have an answer to. “What are you willing to live and let live with? What are you willing to compromise on? And you MUST know what your deal breakers are.” This will allow you to show up and express your physical, mental and emotional needs with authentic clarity to your partner. This is what it means to pay attention to your intention within your relationship. Knowing what you want gives your partner the permission needed to support you in getting it.
The cherry on the cake is getting your needs met in a way that makes everyone happy. Also it inspires ownership, accountability and responsibility of how you act and react within the relationship. Knowing what you want opens the door for honest dialog that is respectful, thoughtful and meaningful. It doesn’t mean that you’ll agree on everything, but if you and your partner do the work to figure out what you are wanting individually or for self, you can then come together and create a foundation so the pieces can fit nicely together. In fact, you’ll get to a point where you are comfortable agreeing to disagree and negating having a knockdown drag out to get your point across.
Key point 2: To figure out what you really want within a relationship begins by asking yourself this question; “What am I wanting to experience for ME within this relationship?” Once you’ve answered that question paint yourself a picture by asking, “What does that look like, feel like, sound like, taste like or even smell like this thing you are wanting to experience?”
Key point 3: If you are stumped and you just don’t know what you want ask yourself this question, “What don’t I want to experience in this relationship?” Write a list of all the things that come up for you, then flip it. i.e. “I don’t want to be taken for granted.” Now, let’s flip that. It translates to “I want to be appreciated.” Now go back to key point 2 and paint yourself a picture by asking, “What does that look like, feel like, sound like, taste like or even smell like this thing you are wanting to experience?”
Key point 4: Be clear on how you are going to share this knowledge. By this I mean, make sure you choose the right time to share your thoughts. Don’t try to talk to him if he’s watching a game or if she’s engrossed in a book. Better yet, schedule a time. Let your partner know that there is something important you want to SHARE with them and you want to know when is the best time to do this.
Key point 5: DO NOT blur the lines. Make sure you speak in terms of “I” or in the first person. Own what you are saying. And remember no one can make you feel anything…that’s all you!
Key point 6: DO NOT use this time to bring up things from the past or play the blame. Stay on point and on topic.
Success using this method is based on both parties doing the work. This concept can be used for any relationship, business, work etc., even the relationship you have with self.
Dr. Wendy is a choice expert she can be contact firstname.lastname@example.org and 702-425-8589